As I’m sure many of you have been doing, in the first few days of this new year I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting about the last year of my life. I’ve thought about what I dreamt of accomplishing and what of that I actually accomplished. Last year, most of my new year’s goals were nothing extravagant, or even that specific, quite frankly. There was nowhere in particular I wanted to see or any specific task I wanted to do. Almost everything on my list was simply focused on ways I just wanted to do life better, like:
- Say “yes” more often
- Don’t worry so much… especially about boys (LOL amiright?)
- Be thankful every day. Find joy in the ordinary.
- Drink more water. (whoops this one made 2017’s list too…sorry mom)
- Remember whose you are – be courageous, you’re the child of a King.
When I look back over these goals and all the others I wrote down in the early morning hours of January 1, 2016, I get to reminisce on all the good, sweet things that happened last year and all the ways I grew & changed & fell down & got back up. It can be bittersweet seeing how far you’ve come and knowing how far you still have to go. And because of that, this year’s list looked very similar. There were a few changes, and my favorite one is simple and true and what led to me writing this very post:
Remember: just because something is a “not now” doesn’t mean it’s a “not ever.”
I find so much rest in this. Not because I assume that every single thing I want in life but don’t have right now is coming at one point or another, but because I know that it could, someday. I’ve spent a lot of time feeling like I’m running out of time. I’ve spent endless hours rushing and trying to force things to go the way I want them to, because I feel like it’s now or never. It’s exhausting orchestrating the activities of the universe, you know? It’s exhausting because it’s not my job. I didn’t put the stars in the sky, I didn’t place the moon so perfectly in orbit around the earth that each day it draws the tides in and out. I didn’t paint the sunset into existence or breathe life into the people around me. I’m just a girl. A girl with a lot of hope in the One who did all of those things, and I have to quit acting like He doesn’t know what he’s doing.
As I’m realizing now, the me of 2016 was tired. Not due to lack of sleep (although, I can’t say I got a lot of sleep, either,) I was tired from running through my life trying to put every puzzle piece where I thought it should go. Because without me noticing, the puzzle was shifting and changing and with every piece I laid, another popped out of place. Every time I took the matters of “now” into my own hands, I spent so much more time watching the rest of the puzzle become more jumbled than before. It was a year with little rest, little peace, little contentedness.
So in addition to the lengthy list of things I’m dreaming of this year, I’m resting in knowing that the Lord wants what is good for me, and in time he will bring me those things. I’m resting in knowing that internships, relationships and all other opportunities are in the hands of the Lord and whatever he brings me, whenever he brings it, will be good. I am so excited for this year. To grow, to love, to laugh, to be joyful, and for all the things in between. I’m excited because with each moment that passes I’m one step closer to the future the Lord has for me, and with eager anticipation, I know that it will be so good.
So here we are, 2017. I can’t say that I know what you’ll bring, but I can say that I’m resting in knowing that your “not nows” aren’t necessarily “not evers” and what a sweet realization that is.